I am going to start this out with a little background so we can understand how I ended up where I am now and why I believe some of the things I believe. Let me state right off the bat, this is about my walk in faith. This is 100% about me trying to find my way in this world. About me wanting to find rest in God's graceful hands once again.
I was raised in a Christian home. Attended church with my parents and siblings, aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents, even great grandparents. It was a family thing. I became a Christian myself at a young age. But in my teen years, I fell away from my beliefs.
I married very young, had children very young. Realized the man I thought I married was not there. I don't want to go in deep details but I can see it very clearly now. During the time we dated, he slowly took control of my life and of who I was. I never even realized what he was doing. After we married, the control turned into physical abuse. I became a mess. I felt worthless, everything wrong was my fault, and I believed it. Once again I was the scared little girl who was told I was nothing without a man from the person who molested me for years. Some days I could barely function. Even today, all these years later, remembering those days is emotional. Then came the point, my husband would start threatening me with a gun. What was I to do? Maybe I deserved it all. I remember thinking and believing.
We moved back to our home town after being away for awhile. We started attending church together. I really enjoyed sitting next to him in the church I grew up in. The love that rained upon me there was a blessing. I began thinking maybe, just maybe, I am worth something. Maybe God does have a plan for me. My husband walked the aisle one day and made the decision to be baptized. Oh everything is going to be wonderful! I thought. We're going to be different, we're going to be ok. It ended up being a front to excuse his behavior. As a Christian wife, I am suppose to "submit" to my husband. At that young age, I had no clue what that meant exactly. So I did the same ole thing, went back to same hopelessness I had felt before. Went back bowing to my husband's wishes and paying the consequences when I couldn't live up to his expectations.
Through this time period, we had 3 children, I had suffered 3 miscarriages due to the abuse, we drank too much with our "friends", we "experimented" sexually, and so on. I continued to go to church with my family and my husband would attend when he wasn't too hung over from the night before. I was ashamed of my life, I wanted out of it but I felt there was no hope. I felt like this was my consequence for walking away from my Christian beliefs and morals. I felt ruined. People would look at me though and see a smiling face and think my life was good. No one knew I was so broken and hurting on the inside. No one knew, as least no admitted to knowing. If he left a visible bruise, I became very good at inventing excuses why I couldn't go some place. In a morbid way, I was proud of myself for fooling people.
But this story has a happy ending. My children pulled me through. My children gave me the strength to leave that life. And that man. I left finally for my children. Did he make it easy? No, he didn't. He threatened me every time I gave him the opportunity. I learned not to be afraid of him. I will never forget the day he realized I was no longer afraid of him. 2 years after I left I stood up to him in a big way. Never again did he try to bully me. In fact, he decided to leave me and children alone period after that. He has not had contact with us since that day.
I have come to believe its actually best for us. It has given all of us a time to heal, a time to grieve (and yes, you do grieve for many things when you go through something like this), a time to learn who we are and stand on our own 2 feet. I renewed my faith in God. I studied (and learned what it REALLY means to submit, just 1 of things learned) and realized why I believe the way I do. The process has not been easy at all. It has been full of ups and downs. Turns all over the place. But God has a plan and through it all, He has carried me.
Later I will describe the next chapter in my life. :)
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