Monday, October 11, 2010
Next chapter in life
I was very proud of myself. I was in a very good job. I was a soon-to-be home owner. I was caring for my 3 children on my own, including the special needs of my youngest. My now ex-husband was no where to be seen, he disappeared and he was not providing child support for his children. But I was ok with that. In fact, I was more than ok. I had everything I ever wanted and more than I could ever have dreamed just a couple of years before. I had made a vow to God to never marry again and to only focus on my children. I was doing great, so why did I need a man to come in and mess it up? I was truly happy and my children were happy. Hearing their laughter and childish chatter day after day made everything worth it. Also during this time period, I was growing spiritually. My walk of faith was the strongest I had ever known. But here comes the next bombshell. My youngest son's medical condition had turned life-threatening and my mom was diagnosed with cancer. How would this affect my newly renewed faith? How would I get through this? I handed it all over to God. I gave him my cares and worries. I leaned on friends when I just needed to vent. And we all did just fine. My youngest had major surgery, which took longer to heal from than anticipated but he did great. My mom beat her cancer. Everything was good again and we made it through a few huge crisis. I was proud of myself. I was proud of my children. Through everything they have gone through so far in their short little live, they were excelling. But do know, that's when we get thrown a curve ball every time. We need to constantly renew our faith. If everything was nice and easy all the time, we would take God for granted. We would stop relying on Him and His grace. So what did He have in store around the next corner? More than I ever imagined, and more than I thought I could handle. That is a story for next time. :)
Sunday, October 10, 2010
A Little Background
I am going to start this out with a little background so we can understand how I ended up where I am now and why I believe some of the things I believe. Let me state right off the bat, this is about my walk in faith. This is 100% about me trying to find my way in this world. About me wanting to find rest in God's graceful hands once again.
I was raised in a Christian home. Attended church with my parents and siblings, aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents, even great grandparents. It was a family thing. I became a Christian myself at a young age. But in my teen years, I fell away from my beliefs.
I married very young, had children very young. Realized the man I thought I married was not there. I don't want to go in deep details but I can see it very clearly now. During the time we dated, he slowly took control of my life and of who I was. I never even realized what he was doing. After we married, the control turned into physical abuse. I became a mess. I felt worthless, everything wrong was my fault, and I believed it. Once again I was the scared little girl who was told I was nothing without a man from the person who molested me for years. Some days I could barely function. Even today, all these years later, remembering those days is emotional. Then came the point, my husband would start threatening me with a gun. What was I to do? Maybe I deserved it all. I remember thinking and believing.
We moved back to our home town after being away for awhile. We started attending church together. I really enjoyed sitting next to him in the church I grew up in. The love that rained upon me there was a blessing. I began thinking maybe, just maybe, I am worth something. Maybe God does have a plan for me. My husband walked the aisle one day and made the decision to be baptized. Oh everything is going to be wonderful! I thought. We're going to be different, we're going to be ok. It ended up being a front to excuse his behavior. As a Christian wife, I am suppose to "submit" to my husband. At that young age, I had no clue what that meant exactly. So I did the same ole thing, went back to same hopelessness I had felt before. Went back bowing to my husband's wishes and paying the consequences when I couldn't live up to his expectations.
Through this time period, we had 3 children, I had suffered 3 miscarriages due to the abuse, we drank too much with our "friends", we "experimented" sexually, and so on. I continued to go to church with my family and my husband would attend when he wasn't too hung over from the night before. I was ashamed of my life, I wanted out of it but I felt there was no hope. I felt like this was my consequence for walking away from my Christian beliefs and morals. I felt ruined. People would look at me though and see a smiling face and think my life was good. No one knew I was so broken and hurting on the inside. No one knew, as least no admitted to knowing. If he left a visible bruise, I became very good at inventing excuses why I couldn't go some place. In a morbid way, I was proud of myself for fooling people.
But this story has a happy ending. My children pulled me through. My children gave me the strength to leave that life. And that man. I left finally for my children. Did he make it easy? No, he didn't. He threatened me every time I gave him the opportunity. I learned not to be afraid of him. I will never forget the day he realized I was no longer afraid of him. 2 years after I left I stood up to him in a big way. Never again did he try to bully me. In fact, he decided to leave me and children alone period after that. He has not had contact with us since that day.
I have come to believe its actually best for us. It has given all of us a time to heal, a time to grieve (and yes, you do grieve for many things when you go through something like this), a time to learn who we are and stand on our own 2 feet. I renewed my faith in God. I studied (and learned what it REALLY means to submit, just 1 of things learned) and realized why I believe the way I do. The process has not been easy at all. It has been full of ups and downs. Turns all over the place. But God has a plan and through it all, He has carried me.
Later I will describe the next chapter in my life. :)
I was raised in a Christian home. Attended church with my parents and siblings, aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents, even great grandparents. It was a family thing. I became a Christian myself at a young age. But in my teen years, I fell away from my beliefs.
I married very young, had children very young. Realized the man I thought I married was not there. I don't want to go in deep details but I can see it very clearly now. During the time we dated, he slowly took control of my life and of who I was. I never even realized what he was doing. After we married, the control turned into physical abuse. I became a mess. I felt worthless, everything wrong was my fault, and I believed it. Once again I was the scared little girl who was told I was nothing without a man from the person who molested me for years. Some days I could barely function. Even today, all these years later, remembering those days is emotional. Then came the point, my husband would start threatening me with a gun. What was I to do? Maybe I deserved it all. I remember thinking and believing.
We moved back to our home town after being away for awhile. We started attending church together. I really enjoyed sitting next to him in the church I grew up in. The love that rained upon me there was a blessing. I began thinking maybe, just maybe, I am worth something. Maybe God does have a plan for me. My husband walked the aisle one day and made the decision to be baptized. Oh everything is going to be wonderful! I thought. We're going to be different, we're going to be ok. It ended up being a front to excuse his behavior. As a Christian wife, I am suppose to "submit" to my husband. At that young age, I had no clue what that meant exactly. So I did the same ole thing, went back to same hopelessness I had felt before. Went back bowing to my husband's wishes and paying the consequences when I couldn't live up to his expectations.
Through this time period, we had 3 children, I had suffered 3 miscarriages due to the abuse, we drank too much with our "friends", we "experimented" sexually, and so on. I continued to go to church with my family and my husband would attend when he wasn't too hung over from the night before. I was ashamed of my life, I wanted out of it but I felt there was no hope. I felt like this was my consequence for walking away from my Christian beliefs and morals. I felt ruined. People would look at me though and see a smiling face and think my life was good. No one knew I was so broken and hurting on the inside. No one knew, as least no admitted to knowing. If he left a visible bruise, I became very good at inventing excuses why I couldn't go some place. In a morbid way, I was proud of myself for fooling people.
But this story has a happy ending. My children pulled me through. My children gave me the strength to leave that life. And that man. I left finally for my children. Did he make it easy? No, he didn't. He threatened me every time I gave him the opportunity. I learned not to be afraid of him. I will never forget the day he realized I was no longer afraid of him. 2 years after I left I stood up to him in a big way. Never again did he try to bully me. In fact, he decided to leave me and children alone period after that. He has not had contact with us since that day.
I have come to believe its actually best for us. It has given all of us a time to heal, a time to grieve (and yes, you do grieve for many things when you go through something like this), a time to learn who we are and stand on our own 2 feet. I renewed my faith in God. I studied (and learned what it REALLY means to submit, just 1 of things learned) and realized why I believe the way I do. The process has not been easy at all. It has been full of ups and downs. Turns all over the place. But God has a plan and through it all, He has carried me.
Later I will describe the next chapter in my life. :)
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